OB's Problem Page

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

******* hilarious thread I would enjoy a few pints with OB

Hopefully - not if - just when

 

[Jon1964]

Why have I got so many odd socks, does the washing machine eat them.

 

[samale]

Dear OB

As anyone will know from reading my posts I can't spell for ****. I actually did well for myself at school, I have a decent job. Do you think I might be special

 

[Mr_S_Jerusalem]

Why have I got so many odd socks, does the washing machine eat them.

The trick is, to keep buying socks that all look EXACTLY the same. Then you only have an even number or an odd number. And never odd socks. They all match with each other.

Although an odd number is irritating. Then they aren’t symmetrical, and I do like symmetry very much.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Why have I got so many odd socks, does the washing machine eat them.

At last a question that doesn't involve smutty innuendo - thanks Jon

I am an authority on such matters e.g. why is it that wrong numbers are never engaged and why does toast always land buttered side down when dropped

Recent research says

"In all, these laundry losses mean around 84 million socks go missing around the UK every month. However, sock salvation is in sight. Samsung’s AddWash™ uses an innovative second door which allows users to simply drop in extra items during the wash cycle, providing a possible end to the problem of forfeited footwear.

To mark the launch, chartered psychologist Dr Simon Moore and statistician Geoff Ellis applied science to socks in a bid to discover the factors which contribute to washday blues and to quantify their findings in a mathematical formula."

I did say to Simon and Geoff that they needed something better to do with their time

Alternatively if you had one leg amputated (leaving just two) you wouldn't have a problem with odd socks

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear OB

As anyone will know from reading my posts I can't spell for s**t. I actually did well for myself at school, I have a decent job. Do you think I might be special

Dear Samale

We are all very special in my view

Maybe it's a problem with the key board on your device - perhaps the t, o and u keys don't work and they can't count as well

I don't regard a car parking attendant as a decent job

 

[Mr_S_Jerusalem]

Samsung’s AddWash™ uses an innovative second door which allows users to simply drop in extra items during the wash cycle, providing a possible end to the problem of forfeited footwear.

But that’s massively confounded, that would require you to know what the item was that was destined to go missing before it went missing so you could add a substitute item of the exact same type to the second drawer.
And it would rely on no other items going missing at a different point in the cycle. Otherwise you would have to be aware that that could happen too and add substitute items at these points in time.

and of course, if you already knew they were going to go missing you would logically just add more at the beginning instead of halfway through the cycle

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

The trick is, to keep buying socks that all look EXACTLY the same. Then you only have an even number or an odd number. And never odd socks. They all match with each other.

Although an odd number is irritating. Then they aren’t symmetrical, and I do like symmetry very much.

Well you do work in electronics

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

But that’s massively confounded, that would require you to know what the item was that was destined to go missing before it went missing so you could add a substitute item of the exact same type to the second drawer.
And it would rely on no other items going missing at a different point in the cycle. Otherwise you would have to be aware that that could happen too and add substitute items at these points in time.

Well done Mr Jerusalem - or may I just call you S

I wondered which of you would be the first to spot that

 

[The-Engineer-That-Brews]

Dear OB I think you might be in the room next to mine, I wonder if you have got the same padded wallpaper in there as I have in here. PS I'm finding it very hard to type using just my nose, what with this jacket with the really long buckle-up sleeves. Is there some other way of typing that I should know about?
Oh here comes the nurse with my dinner meds

 

[Mr_S_Jerusalem]

Well done Mr Jerusalem - or may I just call you S

I wondered which of you would be the first to spot that

You realise that technically it could work, with a few adjustments of course. And it would have to be able to take into account what the user would always fail to take into account, which would be the precise number and type of items they anticipated losing in said wash. After all, they would only be human...

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear OB I think you might be in the room next to mine, I wonder if you have got the same padded wallpaper in there as I have in here. PS I'm finding it very hard to type using just my nose, what with this jacket with the really long buckle-up sleeves. Is there some other way of typing that I should know about?
Oh here comes the nurse with my dinner meds

Are you wearing trousers?

If not you may have another appendage you could type with - hopefully some of your meds include viagra

Just keep banging away and I am sure something will come of it

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

You realise that technically it could work, with a few adjustments of course. And it would have to be able to take into account what the user would always fail to take into account, which would be the precise number and type of items they anticipated losing in said wash. After all, they would only be human...

Didn't you say that you work in electronics?

Do you think it would work for underpants?

 

[Banbeer]

Returning to the topic of your wife - does she like her sausage - do you have anything you might tempt her with?

I think that you're thinking of your wife as my wife hasn't got a sausage, as said earlier more of a kebab. I do have something to tempt her with, a picture of your wifes sausage or as they say in Yorkshire Le Sosaje

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

I think that you're thinking of your wife as my wife hasn't got a sausage, as said earlier more of a kebab. I do have something to tempt her with, a picture of your wifes sausage or as they say in Yorkshire Le Sosaje

Or perhaps a Yorkshire Pudding as they say when its raining

 

[beerandpizza]

Dear auntie ob

I do hope you can help me with this delicate matter. At approximately 10:30pm each evening I am abducted from my sofa by aliens from the planet zorb. We tour the galaxy where they show me distant worlds teeming with incredible extraterrestrial races and technologies so advanced it is like I am a caveman being shown an iPad. Beautiful exotic life forms perform tantric sex acts on me until I reach a state of such orgasmic pleasure I at once understand the meaning of life and am at one with all nature and the universe.

However when I return to earth I find it has all been a sneaky ploy as 12 pints of my coopers Irish stout have disappeared and the alien craft is driving erratically away at speed.

I don’t mind touring the galaxy of an evening but Is there any way I can protect my home brew from these thieving interplanetary scoundrels?

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear auntie ob

I do hope you can help me with this delicate matter. At approximately 10:30pm each evening I am abducted from my sofa by aliens from the planet zorb. We tour the galaxy where they show me distant worlds teeming with incredible extraterrestrial races and technologies so advanced it is like I am a caveman being shown an iPad. Beautiful exotic life forms perform tantric sex acts on me until I reach a state of such orgasmic pleasure I at once understand the meaning of life and am at one with all nature and the universe.

However when I return to earth I find it has all been a sneaky ploy as 12 pints of my coopers Irish stout have disappeared and the alien craft is driving erratically away at speed.

I don’t mind touring the galaxy of an evening but Is there any way I can protect my home brew from these thieving interplanetary scoundrels?

Thank you BandP for sharing this very worrying situation

Are you sure that the aliens are from the planet Zorb, I have heard that Uranus emits some very nasty alien matter

I have a number of questions about this more highly developed world
- Do they still play repeats of Dad's Army every Saturday night on TV?
- Has Donald Trump conceded defeat yet?
- Do they pay VAT on Jaffa Cakes?

To stop it happening again do as I do

Before sitting on the sofa put on your favourite pair of leather Lederhosen (you know the ones with the embroidered images of Ant & Dec) as well as a false nose

Whilst seated yodel your favourite melodies from Broadway musicals and this will confuse the aliens. As a result they will abduct your neighbour from 3 doors down (you know the one who always mows his lawn on a Sunday morning when you are trying to have a lie in)

In fact it reminds me of something that happened to me a few weeks ago

I had been out to the pub and when I returned my wife was already in bed

As I tried to climb the stairs this is how the conversation went

Mrs OB "What are you making all that noise for?"

OB "I am trying to bring this gallon and half of beer up the stairs"

Mrs OB "Well leave it downstairs"

OB "I can't I have already drunk it"

I hope I have been able to help you worry a little less - just shows the power of sharing

 

[Jordang]

Hi OB,

I have COVID and have lost my sense of taste..... how do I tell the difference between cheese and cum when blindfolded and tied to a bed?

Ever if your debt.....

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Hi OB,

I have COVID and have lost my sense of taste..... how do I tell the difference between cheese and cum when blindfolded and tied to a bed?

Ever if your debt.....

Can I first of all clarify something - whilst tied to the bed and blindfolded are you able to aim accurately enough to get the cum in your mouth. In fact which bit of you is tied?

Do you use chains, rope or piano wire?

In your situation I would do concentrate on the texture

If it's runny and viscous I imagine you have some mature camembert in your mouth

However, if it's hard and nutty - you should insist the blindfold is removed

I am reminded of what my dear old mother used to say "they're as different as chalk and cheese" - actually maybe it wasn't the word chalk she used, but there again I am colour blind

Any one who uses the saying as different as chalk and cheese has obviously never bought a packet of mild cheddar from Kwik Save

As my doctor often says to me "keep taking the tablets"

 

[Chippy_Tea]

how do I tell the difference between cheese and cum when blindfolded and tied to a bed?

To add to OB's comments - tell the dirty sod to wash his **** properly then cheese wont be a problem..