Your Jokes

[BarnsleyBrewer]

Paddy is in the bath, he shouts to Murphy "have you got any shampoo?"...."yeah". answers Murphy. "it's by the sink"..Paddy shouts "I can't use that it says for dry hair and I've just feckin' wet mine"

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

I've got my first cage fight next week.........The budgie won't know what's feckin' hit it. :grin:

 

[Frisp]

My wife just found out she was adopted. She was devastated and kept asking me " why didnt they want me?" I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still crying, she kissed me and asked me to make love to her. I did but it only led to more tears

On reflection Banging her from behind and shouting " Who's the daddy" halfway through was maybe a touch insensitive

 

[commsbiff]

2 nuns in a bath...
Nun 1: "Where's the soap?"
Nun 2: "It does, doesn't it."

 

[lazydog]

Matt Lucas recently received a letter:

dear Mr.Lucas, i have always been a big fan of yours and I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your partner. i know what you are going through as i recently lost my partner too. when i look at you it always reminds me of my partner as you were both so alike.

yours faithfully,
jack tweed,

:whistle: :drink:

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

BROWN, DARLING AND A DOG

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea!?

We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador .

Then we'll really look the part.. We'll go to a nice old country pub,

in Much Something or other and we'll show we
really enjoy the countryside, .......... Oh! and remember
not to mention the 'Hunting With Dogs' Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all
kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they
set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking
for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog,
went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from
the wood please' said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,
'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating
new taxes, nodding now and
again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay
quietly at their feet.

As they drank their beer they chatted about how
heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned
for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and
in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He
walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail and looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.


A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed
the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and
Darling. People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called
the landlord over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why
did all those people come in and look under the dog's
tail like that??? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's
just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in
this bar with two arseholes'
:lol:

 

[john_s]

:lol:

 

[Moley]

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities.
 
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."
 
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472 Flying Scotsman
 
"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
 
"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
 
"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."
 
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
 
"Well", said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

 

[unclepumble]

Patrick Swayzee, Farrah Fawcett and steven gateley are in heaven,

Patrick notices Farrah has got her head stuck in some railings so he rips off her Knickers and gives her a right good seeing too, when he's finished he turns to steven gateley and says right mate its your turn.

Steven gateley starts crying his eyes out.

Patrick says what the hells up with you.

SG says "I can't get my head through the bars"