Your Jokes

[corby_brewer]

Right lets see who can come up with the best joke
This is my entery.

This tells me that I must be drunk

A man walks into a bar and orders one beer.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another beer.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another beer.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

 

[lazydog]

Q... why are hurricanes given wimins names?







A... cos when you first see them they are all wet and wild and when they leave ..your house and car are gone

 

[lazydog]

Had the local church do gooders round today, wanting old clothes for the starving people in Africa,

Told 'em to clear off, if my clothes fit them, they arn't starving!!

 

[lazydog]

Girl asks her doctor,
"How many calories are there in cum"?

The doctor replies,

"Miss, if you swallow no one will give a toss how fat you are"

 

[ni9e]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her file and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,- but you're going to have to go to Glasgow ."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.




"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

 

[megajester]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

 

[damfoose]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. And to those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.



I happen to have a 500 meg PST ( outlook file ) just full of jokes :twisted:

 

[commsbiff]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?










"Keep the tip!" :lol:

 

[Moley]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can't lie to you,” he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary, we had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said:
“You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: “There's no way I can be the father of this baby.”
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!”
“Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
“Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented,
“I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home
“I have something to show you won't believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said, “pretend you're a statue.”
'What's this?” the husband enquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it's a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,' he said to the statue, have this.”
“I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a bistro, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that'll be one penny.”
“One penny?” the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
“How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“Ten pence”, the barman replied.
“Ten pence?” exclaimed the man.
“Where's the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replied:
“Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What's he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman replied:
“The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.”

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
“I have something I must confess.”
“There's no need to”, his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace.’
“I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know”, she replied,
“now just rest and let the poison work.”


A shameless ‘copy and paste’ from another forum but I've only seen a couple of them before.

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

Q. 2 lesbian lovers together in bed, which one is on drugs??

A. The one sniffing "CRACK".

LoL :rofl:

 

[lazydog]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND:

Definitely not!



WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?



HUSBAND:

Of course I do.



WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?



HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.



WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).



HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).



WIFE:

Would you live in our house?



HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.



WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?



HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?



WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?



HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.



WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?



HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:
- silence - -



HUSBAND:
Bugg*r..!

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs... She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' :thumb:

 

[Aleman]

Milky bar kid goes into an Ice cream parlour and orders a strawberry sundae

Waitress Asks "Do you want crushed nuts?"

Milky bar kid replies "Why, do you want your **** shot off?"

 

[warra48]

A young lady decides to join a convent.
Mum superior says it is a silent order, so she'd have to give a vow of silence, but she would be allowed to say 2 words each year.
Year one, mum superior asks: Well, sister, what do you have to say for yourself?
Nun replies: Food's lousy.
Year two: Well, sister, what do you have to say for yourself?
Nun: Company's boring.
Year three: Well, sister, what do you have to say for yourself?
Nun: I'm leaving!
Mum superior: I'm not surprised. All you've done since you've been here is *****, *****, *****........

 

[Muddydisco]

Michael Jackson was very disapointed when Steven Gately Turned up in heaven,
Some had told him that someone from the boys home was coming...

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

Warning!!
Make sure all chicken is fresh and well prepared and chew properly as Stephen gately choked to death on an old **** the other day!

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

Boyzone's Stephen Gately was found dead with chocolate around his arsehole, police believe Gorge Micheal was "Careless with his Wispa"
:nono: :nono:

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

The post mortem of Steven Gately revealed that he had dried fruit up his aresole. Police believe he was date *****... :whistle:

 

[BarnsleyBrewer]

Fat Winston finds an old lamp, after giving it a polish a genie appears, he gives Winston one wish..I'd like to be slim, white and be surrounded by *****....there was a puff of smoke and Winston turned into a tampon!!
Remember if your offered something for nothing there's usually a string attached..... :lol: