Damn, that's a shame to hear
I would certainly give it time to lager/condition - lagers are funny things but they do change with time.
Also, with mine I always get chill haze but I always leave a row of 4 lined up in the fridge and given enough time they will eventually end up crystal clear (though I couldn't actually tell you typically how much time
)
Regarding carbonation, yeah that's really weird. On paper you're using similar quantities of sugar to me so I don't understand how they're not carbonating. On paper your beer should be at least reasonably well carbed.
I keep all my bottles at room temp for 2 weeks to carbonate (and usually 2 more to condition), so maybe somewhere warmer would help. Maybe your utility is too cool so the residual yeast is crashing out without fermenting the priming sugar?
Are you sure your scales are definitely accurate enough to weigh out your priming sugar?
Maybe try a different approach? Try batch priming again? Carbonation drops? Add sugar granules direct to the bottles?
Or maybe split a batch - leave some in the utility, some at room temp, maybe even some in the airing cupboard?