Best ever witty response

[pilgrimhudd]

The poke can be very funny, number 20 is my favourite.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

I was once walking through Manchester city centre when a rather rotund man in a flashy car stopped and said "Do you know where the lawyers conference is?"

I replied "Why do I look dishonest?"

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

This is going to be a close-run thing — we all know that — and anybody who looks around the world can see this is going to be difficult for every health system, we do think that if everybody sticks to staying in your household unless absolutely essential this ... will be probably manageable by the NHS but we cannot guarantee that.

“

 

[foxy]

The best one I have read was during the gangland wars in Melbourne when someone seemed to be getting shot on a weekly basis. Mick Gatto a crime figure had just shot dead Benji Veniamin a hit man, in the back of a restaurant, when asked by police why he kept a body bag in the boot of his car, Gatto replied, 'I was keeping it for somebody' I doubt whether Gatto or the investigating police officer saw the relevance of his reply.

 

[chopps]

Hahaha @Obadiah Boondoggle !
Witty Quote - “Next slide please”

 

[Clint]

The canteen cook shouts to the lads having a brew.."what's the best way to Mold..?"
A mate of mine..."leave something wet in a plastic bag"...
I could have sworn some of those round bundles of sticks blew through like in the Western..

 

[Northern_Brewer]

A colleague was going through Australian immigration. The officer asked if he had a criminal record. He replied, 'why, do I need one?'

The classic response is "I didn't know it was still a requirement."

Some good responses to sledging in cricket, a favourite is when Glenn McGrath asked Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes how he got so fat to which Brandes replied "Because every time I screw your wife, she gives me a biscuit"

 

[chopps]

When football player Mario Balotelli crashed his car in Manchester a few years back the police arrived to search and breathalyse etc, and found he had £5000 in his pockets. When asked “Why do you have so much money on you?” he replied “Because I’m rich”.

 

[johnny108]

“You are what you eat...”
“That would make you a rather large tart.”
-Absolutely Fabulous

 

[Keith 66]

I used to work at a boatyard in Old leigh, early 80's, one of the lads who worked there was a Maori from New zealand. One of the yard owners went on holiday & the other partner decided to sack him for being lazy (grain of truth probably).
When the partner came back off holiday there was a bit of a row but he went along with the deed despite liking the bloke..
A week later The Maori came walking past the yard one late morning carrying a garden fork, He was off to the old tip to do a spot of bottle digging. Later we were working out front of the yard jacking a boat up. The Maori returned & sauntered past with a couple of stone ginger beers hanging from his hand. The boss shouts "Oi you black *******, where are you going with our victorian heritage".
Quick as a flash the retort came flying back "Piss off, you got some shrunken heads of mine!". 5 of us witnessed & heard this & we were rolling on the floor with mirth for about 10 minutes afterwards. Absolute legend.

 

[dwhite60]

Marine Corp colonel was overseeing a youth shooting event at a summer camp the Marines run for kids.

Female reporter showed up and started asking questions about the event. She eventually snaps at the colonel, "Aren't you really just equipping these young people to be killers?" to which the colonel quickly replied, "well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, are you?". Shut her right up

 

[Drunkula]

Adding to things that actually happened...

Loads of us in a pub and one of our friends, who we sort-of hate, was talking about when he was a kid and got rushed into hospital with kidney failure and almost died. He was telling the story and said "Of course my parents were devastated." and I said "When they found out were going to live?"

 

[Jim2607]

I was chatting with a guy on a job we were both working on and we got talking about diets. He was telling me how for a week his wife had only eaten almonds and pistachios. "Wow", I said, "Thats just nuts!"

 

[MmmBeer]

George Bernard Shaw wrote a letter to Winston Churchill, inviting him to the opening night of his new play and added that he could bring a friend, if he had one.

Churchill wrote back, saying that sadly he had an important engagement on and would not be able to make the opening night, but would gladly attend the second night, if he had one!

 

[Avo]

We stopped off at a pub near Hathersage, Peak District, for pint and a bit of lunch, the wife asks "what's the soup ?" response, in a blunt Derbyshire accent: "It's warm, wet and lumpy"

 

[kelper]

Somebody, please shoot this thread!

 

[VW911]

A few weeks ago, my neighbour asked my friend, who was delivering me a scaffold tower, to move his van so that she could see the road to get her (illegally parked) car out.



My witty response was "F**K OFF"!

(I don't really like her much...)

 

[chopps]

We were talking about meat at work and one of our directors said “I love venison but it’s dead dear”. She had no idea why I was peeing myself.

 

[Clint]

I saw a manager in work pick a brush up so I shouted...
"The hairy end goes next to the floor!"

 

[Wherrypuzzled]

Mate of mine a chain smoker was told to give up the **** or it would kill him

Saw him a few weeks later and asked how it was going - and he said great - I only have a *** after a meal now ... and Im down to 40 meals a day