Best ever witty response

[kelper]

What is the best 'comeback' or witty response you have made or received?

I asked soon after starting my homebrew hobby why homebrewed beer made me so squiffy.

Clint (of course) said, 'maybe your hydrometer is broken'.

I had a Yorkshire mate who was asked by a taxi driver, 'how about a tip, mate' as we paid and exited. He just said, 'don't back three-legged horses'.

Some guy boasted to me that he came from Lancashire. So I said, 'never mind!' Cruel, I know and apologies to all of Yorkshires neighbours; so near yet so far.

Ironic because, although I love the Yorkshire Dales and once lived in Skipton, I'm actually a Brummie.

 

[Tanglefoot]

I find the best comeback quip usually comes to mind five minutes after the conversation has been and gone

 

[kelper]

That's why forums are good; you have time to think of a witty quip.

 

[Appleyard]

When told by a policeman "There will be a summons in the post for you" I instantly replied "These things are sent to try us", which he seemed to consider amusing.

The summons never actually arrived... phew!

 

[kelper]

When told by a policeman "There will be a summons in the post for you" I instantly replied "These things are sent to try us", which he seemed to consider amusing

Brilliant! Was that planned or are you just very quick?

 

[Appleyard]

Quickness born of shock, and dash of recklessness, I think.

 

[kelper]

Still, it was memorable and quotable. Hat off to you, sir.

 

[Appleyard]

Another time, walking the long way home after a long night out at the pub, I fell drunkenly incapable by the wayside, and dozed off under a tree for a while, as you do. Later, I was woken by the sound of a running car engine, and a nice WPC wound down the passenger window to say hello.

"Shh!", I said, as eloquently as possible, pointing upwards: "There's an owl!". The window was wound up, muting the exasperated muttering from within, and they drove off. Phew!

 

[Clint]

A place I worked decided we would all get fire training,this was to be held outside on a bit of grass with the fire Bobby setting stuff on fire and us putting it out.
There was a mix of shop floor and a couple of girls from the office,who were running late to the gathering..
I should point out the industrial estate is surrounded by farm land and today they were muck spreading with the associated aroma!
Thus chap from QC fancied himself as a ladies man and when the couple of girls turned up he starts giving them some old chat and APLOGISED about the smell...
I says.."oh,is that you? I thought they were spreading *****.."
Everyone starts laughing...he says,looking like a right twit.."you're not funny!".
I asked why everyone was laughing then...
He didn't say much after that!

 

[Clint]

Same factory they gets us all in the office and says there's no money for a pay rise because blah,blah,blah!
And pointed at this graph they cobbled up...I asked if they were selling the place would the graph be the other way up?? No answer...
It's funny what they say and who can't hold their own piss..one of the reps had been round the shop floor saying we're were mega busy!!

 

[chopps]

When stopped by the police in the US, a work colleague was asked ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ to which the response was ‘Because you didn’t stay in school long enough to get a degree?’. Ouch.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

When stopped by the police in the US, a work colleague was asked ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ to which the response was ‘Because you didn’t stay in school long enough to get a degree?’. Ouch.

Is that just before he got shot?

 

[chopps]

hehe. I do have a good first hand story along those lines, not for this thread though :) Fortunately not shot by Minnesota state police, but almost...

Apparently you do not jump out of the car and walk towards the police car when you get stopped in the US...

 

[kelper]

A colleague was going through Australian immigration. The officer asked if he had a criminal record. He replied, 'why, do I need one?'

 

[dad_of_jon]

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

 

[kelper]

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Do you have a weapon or are you just a bluffer?

 

[pilgrimhudd]

hehe. I do have a good first hand story along those lines, not for this thread though :) Fortunately not shot by Minnesota state police, but almost...

Apparently you do not jump out of the car and walk towards the police car when you get stopped in the US...

Nor do you try and get in through the back window of a friends house after a few beers only to find that it's not your friends house and the occupants have a gun....

 

[MrRook]

Apparently you do not jump out of the car and walk towards the police car when you get stopped in the US...

I didn't realize that the first time I got pulled over; by a Los Angeles county sheriff deputy, (they can be bad mofos). Luckily I was in uniform (Navy). The concern on his face quickly changed to a smile and he sent me on my way with a, "Slow down son", and a wave.

 

[slowdave]

20+ years ago I filled my diesel car with diesel at a fuel station in Telford.
The cashier, thinking I had misfuelled my car as the diesel models were very rare, said
"I didn't know they made that model in diesel"
I instantly replied - "They don't, I just put in whatever is cheapest", smiled and went on my way

 

[MickDundee]

There are a few here Simply 23 brilliant comebacks to make your day just a little bit better

This is a favourite of mine: