some more jokes!!!

[Wendy1971]

Father Christms goes to the Doctors and says.. ive got a mince pie stuck up my Arse, The Doctor takes a look and Replies yeah you do have a Mince pie stuck up you Arse The Doctor says.... Hang on ive got some cream for that :lol: :thumb: Two Nuns Driving Down the road and a vampire jumps out in front of them the nun says to the other one show it your cross the nun winds down the window and shouts ... get out the way you toothy bastard :lol: :thumb:

 

[Davybarman]

Heres a topical one!!


There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

 

[Wendy1971]

:rofl: :thumb:

 

[Davybarman]

A BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL


Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer


Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and
demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar
Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your drinking arm -- stay put and carry on. If not, get
someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forwards
Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark
Fault: The pub is closed
Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter
Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!


Its amazing what you get via email these days!! :rofl: